Snoring is stupid.

Before I get to the main topic, snoring, I want to share a conversation I just had with my spouse.

Me: *flopping down on the bed*  "I was going to blog something but I'm just not in the zone."

Zac: "You better get in the zone, or you're just going to peter out and never write again..."

Me: "Whatever!  I tried, and I have ideas, but I just can't do it."

Zac: "Go blog about how I was snoring earlier."

Me: "What, that you were snoring earlier?  That would be one sentence.  You were snoring earlier."

Zac: *relates previous snoring incidents I could write about*

Me: *getting off bed* "Fine, I'm going to go blog about you snoring."

Zac: "Don't force it or you won't be funny."  *as I'm walking out of the room*

Zac's verbal and nonverbal messages to me are always this super consistent. 

Anyway, Zac snores SUPER LOUD. 

When I am tired or when I have to be up the next morning, this makes me angry.  Not just somewhat ho-hum irritated, but red faced, clench-fisted, hypertensively angry.  So I shake him, wake him up, and tell him to stop snoring.  After this happens several times, we yell at each other, say we're sorry, and then Zac goes to sleep in the extra bedroom.  I used to think that it was bad or unhealthy for married people to sleep apart if they were in the same house, but I think the extra bedroom has saved Zac more than once from being suffocated in his sleep by my favorite pillow that I got at Walmart that is the OPPOSITE of memory foam of which I detest and may be the topic of a later blog post. 

One time, when Zac was snoring super loud and I didn't have to be up early the next morning and therefore wasn't in a red rage, I decided to record him with my cell phone.  Zac doesn't understand the volume, intensity, and lack of rhythm to his snoring and it was going to be awesome to have proof.  So I recorded it and then played it for my own enjoyment.  The recording came out so loud and perfect it surprised me and was super funny and I couldn't stop laughing and my laughing woke Zac up so I played the recording and he said "that's not me you made that up" and went back to sleep.

Sometimes the snoring will wake me up, but most of the time I am never asleep by the time the snoring starts.  This is because Zac falls asleep five seconds after he closes his eyes.  I need at least 30 minutes to flop around in bed, tell my brain to shut up, try to distract myself with thoughts of kittens and cake and cookies and nachos...and then I need a snack so I go downstairs, bring my loot back upstairs to eat, forget a drink so I have to go back down then up again...eat my fud, finish watching whatever TV show I put on to watch while I ate, lay back down, think about all the mistakes I made at work that day or all the socially awkward things I said to acquaintances, beat myself up, tell my brain to shut up, and so on and so on...until I eventually tire myself out enough to pass out from mental exhaustion...either that, or the Lunesta finally kicks in.  So we tried to have me fall asleep first, but it rarely works. 

Also, sometimes, I will hold cat fur or blanket lint under Zac's nostrils and see if he will suck it in.  I'll try and get a video of that next time.