Wednesday, December 8, 2010


There is an epidemic of awareness.  

I'm seeing awareness spread on billboards, bumper stickers, car magnets, shirts, wristbands…these yellow wristbands which have something to do with Lance Armstrong but otherwise only having a vague idea that the yellow wristband is supposed to make me aware of cancer--brain, prostate?  And of course, the pink for breast cancer awareness campaign.  Using words like "boobies" or "tatas" to make their campaign more edgy, something the kids can relate to.  The other day I saw AA batteries packaged in pink with the Susan G. Komen name all over it.  Really, fucking batteries?  Sorry Lance Armstrong Awareness, Susan G. Komen Awareness is totally kicking your ass.

So I've decided to spread some awareness about things that I find important in my life.

Booger Awareness--More prominent in arid regions like Colorado.  Giant boogers coating the inside of your nostril.  Blow your nose without being aware of having Colorado boogs and you are liable to painfully lose a lot of nose hair.  Zac's Colorado Boogers are the size and shape of cornflakes but possess more interesting color hues.  I know this because sometimes when he blows his nose, the boogs miss the Kleenex and land on his chest, where I spot them. 

Personal Space Awareness--Can happen at any time, but very common during the holiday season.  You're out shopping and a stranger approaches, perhaps to look at the same products as you.  They are now less than two feet away and show no signs of passing by.  My skin starts to crawl and my spine stiffens.  If I'm with someone, I've completely lost track of any conversation we're having and my mind has become completely focused on this person who is TOO CLOSE.  If I didn't care about being seen as socially awkward or getting arrested for assault, it would be at this point that I would start to sing, softly at first, then louder, "You're on a highway to the…DANGER ZONE!" and punch this person in the throat.  Thank you, Kenny Loggins.

Squirrel Awareness--This usually happens when you're driving through your neighborhood, almost home, lost in thoughts of what to have for lunch ZOMG squirrel!  This can also apply to cats, dogs, deer, or anything else alive, in the road, and in the path of your vehicle suddenly.

Vaccination Crazypants Awareness--Yuuuup, you knew I would have to throw some awareness in here that applies to healthcare workers.  This is recognizing the batshitcrazy look that comes into someone's eyes when you have asked them if they got the flu vaccine this season, or if their child's immunizations are up to date.  These people have done some serious research (googling "vaccines bad" on the interwebs) and are appalled that you would even suggest they pump themselves or their children full of unnatural harmful chemicals.  Thanks, Jenny McCarthy, for getting the world all riled up over ONE study that had a total of twelve test subjects and that has now been retracted.  So fine, object to immunizations for "spiritual reasons".  But just know that the reason your kid doesn't get pertussis or polio or mumps is because other people got their kids immunized, not because these diseases have been eradicated.

Cat Person Awareness--This is the warm glow I feel when I learn that a new acquaintance owns one or more cats.  Do they like to talk about their cats?  Do they want to hear about my cats?  Do they have cat pictures with them?  Do they want to see my cat pictures?  Everything else that I have got going on at the moment fades into the background as I get ready to tell my Cat Stories Greatest Hits and it can take me awhile to get back to work or whatever else I'm doing.

Awareness Awareness--Since you're reading my blog, you are now aware of the Awareness Campaigns out there, and are a part of the socially conscious awareness community!

It takes very little effort to be an aware hipster douchebag.  Buy a shirt.   Give up Facebook or Starbucks or food for 12 hours.  Twitter or change your Facebook status about it before you do it so everyone knows.  Bitch and moan about the inconvenience but say it's totally worth it.  Become tearful when talking about the cause.  Make sure not to put in any actual physical work.  

To do my part, I give money to my local animal shelters so I know somewhat where the money is going and what it's being used for (See?  I am not a douchebag.).  I know that the money spent on bumper stickers and pins and wristbands only goes into making and selling more bumper stickers and pins and wristbands.  And I hate hate HATE the TV commercials with homeless and abused pets with big sad eyes looking at the camera through cage bars.  I'm already aware that people treat animals like trash but now I have to cry for an hour about the kitty I just saw on TV with a bloody nose.  

And now I've made myself sad so I'm going to go cuddle the kittehs and remind them of how lucky they are.